June 10, 2008: You Can't Fix Stupid

June 10: You can’t fix stupid

One of the great things about sports is how stupid the athletes that play them often are. Two days ago, Cedric Benson was pulled over in Austin and charged with DUI. Since earlier in the month Ced also picked up a “boating while intoxicated” charge, the Bears cut the starting running back and former fourth overall pick.

In both cases, Benson maintains his innocence. But regardless of whether he was in fact innocent or not, he should go to prison for being such a f---ing moron. Look, I know athletes are stupid, but sometimes you can’t help but laugh over just how stupid they actually are. In 2005, the Bears used the fourth overall pick to draft Benson and after a lengthy holdout, Benson signed a $35 million contract with a three million dollar signing bonus. Needless to say, Cedric Benson had/ still has more money than he knows what to do with so I am here to ask if someone could please explain to me why on earth Cedric Benson does not have a full time driver who waits on him hand and foot. Seriously, I really don’t have any qualms about Cedric going out and having a few pops. Hell, I really don’t care if he goes out like some college frat boy on a mission to drink himself goofy. Take a bloody driver. Just take a driver. He can afford a full time limo no problem. But maybe he’s a cheap son of a bitch and doesn’t want to spend money, but I’d be willing to bet you my life that I can go out right this moment and find some high school kid that would drive Ced and his boys around for free at night just so he could tell his boys that he hangs with Cedric. It would take me ten minutes, maybe less.

A wise man once said you can’t fix stupid. He was right. Any person that stupid is pretty much hopeless. I’m not kidding, there comes a point where you just have to say “this guy is totally hopeless.” Since it seems that a lot of these hopeless people also happen to be exceptional athletes. Thus I propose a simple solution to the problem. If I were an NFL general manager and I was thinking about taking a player with a history of drunk driving, I would offer, no, I would contractually demand that the player not drive past 7 and instead use a driver that I would pay for. If the player says he won’t comply, I’d tell him thanks and walk away.

I recognize that this is might possibly be illegal and might be struck down by the courts as completely illegal since it would be discriminating against the hopelessly stupid, but I would roll the dice because if you can succesfully coax an idiot to agree to constantly have something closely resembling a babysitter, then you can sign total morons who can score touchdowns without getting arrested on a bi-monthly basis. They don’t go to prison and get to keep their money, the team gets touchdowns. It’s a total win-win.