ESPN NOW

ESPN is the most shameless self promoting piece of garbage network ever to be made available on a cable package. I realized this last year, when the World Wide Leader tried to launch a mobile telephone company. If you were living in a third world country or Central New York and didn't have access to cable last year, ESPN decided not to sell commercials to other companies for a little while and instead they simply showed the same god damn advertisement over, and over, and over, and over. It consisted of some jerk-off watching Albert Pujols hit Brad Lidge's fastball to the moon....wait for it....on his ESPN cell phone! Now, having to watch this clip over and over would have been sufficient to make me despise ESPN Mobile on a level that was totally irrational and unwarranted. But ESPN went for all of our souls when they turned my television screen into the screen of an ESPN Mobile cell phone screen for thirty minutes each weeknight. I shit you not, on Baseball Tonight, my favorite source for baseball information, every single update became an "ESPN Mobile Update" with the highlight being shown on a fake ESPN phone.
Thank God, ESPN mobile lost so much money that even the big boys in Bristol decided it wasn't worth it to keep trotting out those stupid commercials. And I rested easier knowing that ESPN could never do worse. And then came those ridiculous "My Wish" segments. Yes, that's right, I absolutely deplored those ridiculous pre-taped, fake, BS stories. You are probably thinking right now, wow this guy is such a jackass. How can you possibly not be totally touched by Michelle Kwan taking some little girl with Leukemia out to skate is the sweetest, best thing ever and God I love ESPN soo much. If you just had that thought, you are an idiot. My wish is ESPN using little kids with cancer and horrible diseases to draw viewers and drum up positive energy towards the network in a time when they have no highlights to show. And God I hate the way that jackass country singer belches "Myyyyyyyyyy WIIIIIIIISHHHH."
I could keep going about how much I hate some of the things ESPN does. I could write 1200 words on how much I hate Stephen A. Smith, but quite frankly (said in Stephen A. voice) I don't have the energy.
All of this animosity all came out early this morning when I turned on Sportscenter expecting to get some in depth analysis on the Mark Texiera, Eric Gange, or Ty Wiggington blockbuster trades....ok....just the Texiera and Gagne deals. But instead, guess what Sportscenter led wish. ESPN NOW. While trying not to throw up my cereal, I sat down and contemplated how I would feel if I worked at ESPN and they approached me to be on that panel of idiots that discussed the match ups. I mean, say your Mike Greenberg (or Greenie on Mike and Mike). You went to Northwestern, then worked as an award winning writer before becoming the cohost of one of the best radio shows currently on radio (or television, I guess). And then imagine some schmuck from ESPN calling you and saying, hey Mike, I know your supposed to be a serious journalist and all, but we have this thing we want you to do. We want you to discuss who is more "Now," Maria Sharapova or Vince Young. And then, imagine that you are really drunk so you say you will do the show, and the next morning you find yourself in a conversation with Stewart Scott and some hot girl ESPN hired to wear short skirts and read off a teleprompter.
This is all happening, and all the while, your probably wondering, what the hell am I doing. And while your wondering this, Stu Scott is screaming at you. "Yo, Greenie. I'll admit, Sharapova's pretty fine, but VY!!!.... I mean VY!!!!....He's got that new school attitude but also that old school attitude!!!! He's got new and old school. He's the whole package!!....He's a winner. Boy got swagger!...VY! How can you not put VY through!! Greenie, you don't want VY??!!! Thats insane!! You gotta go with VY! Sports Nation wants Vince, I want Vince. Greenie, you have got to chose VY!!!
How, at this point, Greenie doesn't start crying on camera, will forever be beyond my comprehension.
I will write an actual sports piece later this week. But I needed to talk about this.