ESPN is the most shameless self promoting piece of garbage network ever to be made available on a cable package. I realized this last year, when the World Wide Leader tried to launch a mobile telephone company. If you were living in a third world country or Central New York and didn't have access to cable last year, ESPN decided not to sell commercials to other companies for a little while and instead they simply showed the same god damn advertisement over, and over, and over, and over. It consisted of some jerk-off watching Albert Pujols hit Brad Lidge's fastball to the moon....wait for it....on his ESPN cell phone! Now, having to watch this clip over and over would have been sufficient to make me despise ESPN Mobile on a level that was totally irrational and unwarranted. But ESPN went for all of our souls when they turned my television screen into the screen of an ESPN Mobile cell phone screen for thirty minutes each weeknight. I shit you not, on Baseball Tonight, my favorite source for baseball information, every single update became an "ESPN Mobile Update" with the highlight being shown on a fake ESPN phone.
Thank God, ESPN mobile lost so much money that even the big boys in Bristol decided it wasn't worth it to keep trotting out those stupid commercials. And I rested easier knowing that ESPN could never do worse. And then came those ridiculous "My Wish" segments. Yes, that's right, I absolutely deplored those ridiculous pre-taped, fake, BS stories. You are probably thinking right now, wow this guy is such a jackass. How can you possibly not be totally touched by Michelle Kwan taking some little girl with Leukemia out to skate is the sweetest, best thing ever and God I love ESPN soo much. If you just had that thought, you are an idiot. My wish is ESPN using little kids with cancer and horrible diseases to draw viewers and drum up positive energy towards the network in a time when they have no highlights to show. And God I hate the way that jackass country singer belches "Myyyyyyyyyy WIIIIIIIISHHHH."
I could keep going about how much I hate some of the things ESPN does. I could write 1200 words on how much I hate Stephen A. Smith, but quite frankly (said in Stephen A. voice) I don't have the energy.
All of this animosity all came out early this morning when I turned on Sportscenter expecting to get some in depth analysis on the Mark Texiera, Eric Gange, or Ty Wiggington blockbuster trades....ok....just the Texiera and Gagne deals. But instead, guess what Sportscenter led wish. ESPN NOW. While trying not to throw up my cereal, I sat down and contemplated how I would feel if I worked at ESPN and they approached me to be on that panel of idiots that discussed the match ups. I mean, say your Mike Greenberg (or Greenie on Mike and Mike). You went to Northwestern, then worked as an award winning writer before becoming the cohost of one of the best radio shows currently on radio (or television, I guess). And then imagine some schmuck from ESPN calling you and saying, hey Mike, I know your supposed to be a serious journalist and all, but we have this thing we want you to do. We want you to discuss who is more "Now," Maria Sharapova or Vince Young. And then, imagine that you are really drunk so you say you will do the show, and the next morning you find yourself in a conversation with Stewart Scott and some hot girl ESPN hired to wear short skirts and read off a teleprompter.
This is all happening, and all the while, your probably wondering, what the hell am I doing. And while your wondering this, Stu Scott is screaming at you. "Yo, Greenie. I'll admit, Sharapova's pretty fine, but VY!!!.... I mean VY!!!!....He's got that new school attitude but also that old school attitude!!!! He's got new and old school. He's the whole package!!....He's a winner. Boy got swagger!...VY! How can you not put VY through!! Greenie, you don't want VY??!!! Thats insane!! You gotta go with VY! Sports Nation wants Vince, I want Vince. Greenie, you have got to chose VY!!!
How, at this point, Greenie doesn't start crying on camera, will forever be beyond my comprehension.
I will write an actual sports piece later this week. But I needed to talk about this.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Trivial trauma and its very real consequences
If I had even the smallest amount of pride, I would not do this. But clearly, I do not. And so now I venture into the blogosphere, a land where 45 year old lunatics with no jobs are able to publish their thoughts despite the fact that no one really gives a....can I say shit on this thing....I mean I know it's a blog and its the Internet so there are no standards, but are there really no standards? Yea, for the sake of any future employer, or date (although now that I have a blog, I can be fairly certain that this probably won't ever be a problem again) that may choose to Google my name, there will be standards on this website. But they will likely be very, very low, and I would appreciate your not asking me to raise them.
For those of you who are regular listeners of my radio Show, which basically means Grotta, Pete, and from time to time a couple of my other college buddies. There are also six Hamilton area listeners that always show up on our listener data, but because they are residents of Hamilton, New York, I feel I can safely assume that they will never, ever see this because in all likelihood they are far too poor to own a computer, much less have Internet access. Hell, I don't even know if the public library in Hamilton has web access. Actually, come to think of it, I'm not even that sure that Hamilton has a public library. If by chance I am wrong, and you are one of the six Hamiltonians and you somehow found access to the internet and are reading this right now....please keep listening to the show.
Anyway, the content of this blog will generally be rather ranty. I don't know if ranty is a word, but I really don't care because this is a blog and there are no editors. Most of these "posts" will be a long diatribe about how much I hate any of the following: The Houston Astros, The Houston Rockets, The Houston Texans, Andrew Grotta, ESPN Motion, the fact that they televise womens basketball, the existence of a drinking age, and the media. Over time, you can safely assume that this list of regular complaints will likely expand.
The major league trade deadline is obviously today, so you can expect some kind of post in the next couple of days regarding the Astros' inability/ unwillingness to finally wave the white flag and replenish what can only be described as an atrocious farm system, but before I get into that, I figured I'd fill you in on the excruciating decision making process that led me to flush any chance of getting laid ever again down the toilet just so I can spend time not getting paid to write. Basically, I maid a list of pros and cons.
Cons
1.Start a Blog= Give up sex forever- Not that I was getting a tremendous amount before, but starting a blog basically ended any hope that I have for an attractive girl to ever think I was cool. As I write these very words, I quite simply am committing sexual suicide. This one is going to take a while to get over, no way around it.
2. Start a Blog=Never get a job as a journalist, ever- With me, it's only a matter of time before I say something so ridiculously offensive that it will follow me for the rest of my days.
Pros
1. Start a Blog=Less Anger?- For those of you who are true fans of the three major Houston Sports franchises, you will understand me when I tell you that my teams have inflicted an unbelievable amount of trauma on me emotionally. To most, my life as a rich white kid with all of the advantages and opportunities that God could possibly be expected to provide, would seem pretty cushy. You might be thinking, I cannot believe he is bitching about his life, there are kids out there with abusive parents who don't feed them. Yea, sure, that situation is tough. But problems like these can possibly be resolved in time with a good shrink. I, on the other hand, will forever be haunted by Walt Weiss ruining middle school by leaping twelve feet into the air to stab Tony Eusabio's rocket in the NL Division series, and losing to a crappy Padres team in the NLDS in 98' after we traded away our entire farm system to rent Randy Johnson for a quarter of a season. I will forever be haunted by Eddie Griffin, the "troubled" young man who the Rockets traded the draft rights to Richard Jefferson to acquire. Albert Pujols ruined my senior year of high school, and Brad Lidge's career when he took Lidge deep in game five of the NLCS with the Astros only an out away from the World Series. And every time I see Reggie Bush or Vince Young on Sports Center, which will be a lot, I will feel like crying. So, while my problems might seem rather trivial when compared to the battered children, I feel like you should feel sorry for me.
Anyway, I hope this works out well, because for all intents and purposes, my life ends when I hit the "publish post" button.
For those of you who are regular listeners of my radio Show, which basically means Grotta, Pete, and from time to time a couple of my other college buddies. There are also six Hamilton area listeners that always show up on our listener data, but because they are residents of Hamilton, New York, I feel I can safely assume that they will never, ever see this because in all likelihood they are far too poor to own a computer, much less have Internet access. Hell, I don't even know if the public library in Hamilton has web access. Actually, come to think of it, I'm not even that sure that Hamilton has a public library. If by chance I am wrong, and you are one of the six Hamiltonians and you somehow found access to the internet and are reading this right now....please keep listening to the show.
Anyway, the content of this blog will generally be rather ranty. I don't know if ranty is a word, but I really don't care because this is a blog and there are no editors. Most of these "posts" will be a long diatribe about how much I hate any of the following: The Houston Astros, The Houston Rockets, The Houston Texans, Andrew Grotta, ESPN Motion, the fact that they televise womens basketball, the existence of a drinking age, and the media. Over time, you can safely assume that this list of regular complaints will likely expand.
The major league trade deadline is obviously today, so you can expect some kind of post in the next couple of days regarding the Astros' inability/ unwillingness to finally wave the white flag and replenish what can only be described as an atrocious farm system, but before I get into that, I figured I'd fill you in on the excruciating decision making process that led me to flush any chance of getting laid ever again down the toilet just so I can spend time not getting paid to write. Basically, I maid a list of pros and cons.
Cons
1.Start a Blog= Give up sex forever- Not that I was getting a tremendous amount before, but starting a blog basically ended any hope that I have for an attractive girl to ever think I was cool. As I write these very words, I quite simply am committing sexual suicide. This one is going to take a while to get over, no way around it.
2. Start a Blog=Never get a job as a journalist, ever- With me, it's only a matter of time before I say something so ridiculously offensive that it will follow me for the rest of my days.
Pros
1. Start a Blog=Less Anger?- For those of you who are true fans of the three major Houston Sports franchises, you will understand me when I tell you that my teams have inflicted an unbelievable amount of trauma on me emotionally. To most, my life as a rich white kid with all of the advantages and opportunities that God could possibly be expected to provide, would seem pretty cushy. You might be thinking, I cannot believe he is bitching about his life, there are kids out there with abusive parents who don't feed them. Yea, sure, that situation is tough. But problems like these can possibly be resolved in time with a good shrink. I, on the other hand, will forever be haunted by Walt Weiss ruining middle school by leaping twelve feet into the air to stab Tony Eusabio's rocket in the NL Division series, and losing to a crappy Padres team in the NLDS in 98' after we traded away our entire farm system to rent Randy Johnson for a quarter of a season. I will forever be haunted by Eddie Griffin, the "troubled" young man who the Rockets traded the draft rights to Richard Jefferson to acquire. Albert Pujols ruined my senior year of high school, and Brad Lidge's career when he took Lidge deep in game five of the NLCS with the Astros only an out away from the World Series. And every time I see Reggie Bush or Vince Young on Sports Center, which will be a lot, I will feel like crying. So, while my problems might seem rather trivial when compared to the battered children, I feel like you should feel sorry for me.
Anyway, I hope this works out well, because for all intents and purposes, my life ends when I hit the "publish post" button.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
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